From the tender age of four, rampant masturbation was my secret shame. I was watching a squirrel eating trash through a window one day in middle school when I learned what masturbation was. I started examining the list, which thus far was the most interesting part of the presentation. I started masturbating abnormally early, around the age of four. I was constantly on the hunt for new techniques, new tools. My first was probably the bathtub. I did not have orgasms. I never touched myself with my hands.

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In the niftiest thing to come out of Hillel since the matzo sandwich, the Jewish campus organization paired with celebs to make a non-partisan video urging year old Jews to vote in the upcoming midterm election. Grandma: In Germany! Grandpa: Big mistake.